Suffering, Acceptance, & Letting Go

Unfortunately, this blog won't have any funny stories or pretty yoga tutorials. This is a subject that I'm serious about, something that has personally affected my entire life, and something I've only recently begun to truly overcome. Its hard for me to write, but I think its important.

I'm not going to get into any details, but I'm part of an unfortunate group of people whose childhoods' were clouded by trauma. When I think back on my childhood I remember a million more good times than bad. That doesn't stop the trauma from affecting me to this day. I'm not going to share details for two reasons: 1. The privacy of myself and anybody else involved. 2. I don't believe in comparing tragedies. Most people have something big to deal with; to them, their trauma is life changing. Its all relative- I don't want to make anybody feel their their issues are more or less significant than mine. Because they aren not, everybody has to play the hand they're dealt.

I spent a lot of my life feeling inadequate, unpretty, not enough, beneath people, sad, panicked, on the verge of tears, overwhelmed, victimized, out of control. I let what happened to me rule my life. To me, I wasn't Holly who was a sister, a daughter, a ballerina, a straight A student, a cheerleader, an American, a friend, a vegetarian, a million other things and also the victim of something unfortunate. I was a victim, who happened to be name Holly and somehow squeezed all of those other things in on top of the victimization. I became my story. I let it get in the way of forming relationships, taking advantage of opportunities, being myself, and living freely.

I didn't think of myself as important enough to share what happened to me with anybody until I was 17 years old. I let it eat me up inside throughout my entire childhood and teen years. When I finally let it out, it was a huge release. I could finally talk to somebody, cry to somebody, give somebody a little bit of insight into why I acted the way I did. It was a first step of many, I was no longer so incredibly ashamed that I could tell a few people who I trusted very much. Over the next six years, I lingered in that stage. I was still unhappy, I still felt incredibly shameful, I had panic attacks, and didn't have a great self image. I had a few people I could speak about it with, but I was not yet in control of my happiness or self worth.

Two years ago, I made another big change. I found enough courage to release somebody from my life who was a huge source of anguish. The few people who knew about my past wondered why that wasn't the first thing that I did. How could I continue to face somebody who stole so much from me? I couldn't answer that question at the time. I can now. It took me years, but I finally realized that what happened was not my fault. I did not need to feel shame, I did not need to bear responsibility. My feelings and worth are legitimate and important, I have the ability to make the changes in my life to let myself heal and be happy. This step made a world of difference in my life. My nightmares dwindled, my panic attacks decreased, my happiness increased, I felt better. But I was still dragging my story around with me.

 I honestly can't remember what the conversation was about but at one point in the middle of my yoga teacher training, something triggered me. I couldn't stay any longer because a big breakdown was coming on. I went home, snuck in the house, and cried for hours. It was the first big breakdown like this I had in a long time. I just let it all out. I decided it was time to really heal, I couldn't live like this anymore. I did some research and found a support group. I was ready to go that week. Simon drove me and offered to wait in the car just in case I wanted to leave, but when we got there I couldn't find the meeting. The building was deserted and the contact person wasn't answering their phone. So, that seemed to be a really big fail. I tried to look at it the right way though- I made it to the next step, I was able to show up at that building, ready to continue my journey of healing. I planned to find another meeting but never ended up going. Honestly, I didn't need it anymore.

In showing up at that building, I proved to myself that I was ready to let go of all that bullish*t I dragged around for over 20 years. So I did. I decided that wasn't who I was anymore. It was just something that happened in my past. Since that time, a lot has changed: I believe in myself- I find myself doing things I could never have imagined before. I live in the moment. I find adventure. I seek my own happiness. I no longer play the victim. I don't use the past as an excuse. I'm independent. I feel strong and confident. Yes, I still have an occasional nightmare. I do still panic sometimes. But I can deal with it. I know the bad times are fleeting because I am not my story, I am just me.


I'm sharing this story to prove to you that it is possible to heal. Its possible to let your past be separate from who you are. You are NOT your stories. You are NOT a victim. Your actions, happiness, and health are your OWN responsibility. Don't use your past as an excuse to continue to be unhappy. I know its incredibly difficult. Many of us become addicts of pain and suffering. If we let our stories go, then who are we? Its scary. We think that, yes, holding on is painful but at least then we know who we are. Let me tell you, as long as you hold onto your suffering- you have no idea who you are. You don't know how beautiful and strong you can be.

This process is difficult and time consuming, letting go isn't easy. Letting go does not mean avoiding your pain. It doesn't mean that every time you enter suffering you go out with your friends or go sky diving or do a handstand to avoid it. It means finding deep acceptance in what is triggering your pain. It means knowing that what happened will never disappear- your past absolutely will not change and short of amnesia, you have a slim chance of forgetting it happened. Once you accept that, you need to decide that it can no longer control you. It can no longer be a crutch, an excuse, or who you are. Moving on means finding who you actually are beyond a victim, or at least trying to-- find what makes you happy, what doesn't, let go of people or places or items that aren't part of your path to happiness. You will face suffering again, it has a funny way of creeping up- but you can control it. Face your suffering and decide not to indulge it. It has no power over you. Then move the f--- on with what you were doing before it crept up on you.

If you are going through a hard time and need somebody to talk to- I'm available, whether or not we know each other personally. I can't guarantee that I can give advice, but sometimes just sharing your story to somebody who is willing to listen is enough to ease some pain. My personal e-mail address is hollyking1228@gmail.com