Suffering, Acceptance, & Letting Go

Unfortunately, this blog won't have any funny stories or pretty yoga tutorials. This is a subject that I'm serious about, something that has personally affected my entire life, and something I've only recently begun to truly overcome. Its hard for me to write, but I think its important.

I'm not going to get into any details, but I'm part of an unfortunate group of people whose childhoods' were clouded by trauma. When I think back on my childhood I remember a million more good times than bad. That doesn't stop the trauma from affecting me to this day. I'm not going to share details for two reasons: 1. The privacy of myself and anybody else involved. 2. I don't believe in comparing tragedies. Most people have something big to deal with; to them, their trauma is life changing. Its all relative- I don't want to make anybody feel their their issues are more or less significant than mine. Because they aren not, everybody has to play the hand they're dealt.

I spent a lot of my life feeling inadequate, unpretty, not enough, beneath people, sad, panicked, on the verge of tears, overwhelmed, victimized, out of control. I let what happened to me rule my life. To me, I wasn't Holly who was a sister, a daughter, a ballerina, a straight A student, a cheerleader, an American, a friend, a vegetarian, a million other things and also the victim of something unfortunate. I was a victim, who happened to be name Holly and somehow squeezed all of those other things in on top of the victimization. I became my story. I let it get in the way of forming relationships, taking advantage of opportunities, being myself, and living freely.

I didn't think of myself as important enough to share what happened to me with anybody until I was 17 years old. I let it eat me up inside throughout my entire childhood and teen years. When I finally let it out, it was a huge release. I could finally talk to somebody, cry to somebody, give somebody a little bit of insight into why I acted the way I did. It was a first step of many, I was no longer so incredibly ashamed that I could tell a few people who I trusted very much. Over the next six years, I lingered in that stage. I was still unhappy, I still felt incredibly shameful, I had panic attacks, and didn't have a great self image. I had a few people I could speak about it with, but I was not yet in control of my happiness or self worth.

Two years ago, I made another big change. I found enough courage to release somebody from my life who was a huge source of anguish. The few people who knew about my past wondered why that wasn't the first thing that I did. How could I continue to face somebody who stole so much from me? I couldn't answer that question at the time. I can now. It took me years, but I finally realized that what happened was not my fault. I did not need to feel shame, I did not need to bear responsibility. My feelings and worth are legitimate and important, I have the ability to make the changes in my life to let myself heal and be happy. This step made a world of difference in my life. My nightmares dwindled, my panic attacks decreased, my happiness increased, I felt better. But I was still dragging my story around with me.

 I honestly can't remember what the conversation was about but at one point in the middle of my yoga teacher training, something triggered me. I couldn't stay any longer because a big breakdown was coming on. I went home, snuck in the house, and cried for hours. It was the first big breakdown like this I had in a long time. I just let it all out. I decided it was time to really heal, I couldn't live like this anymore. I did some research and found a support group. I was ready to go that week. Simon drove me and offered to wait in the car just in case I wanted to leave, but when we got there I couldn't find the meeting. The building was deserted and the contact person wasn't answering their phone. So, that seemed to be a really big fail. I tried to look at it the right way though- I made it to the next step, I was able to show up at that building, ready to continue my journey of healing. I planned to find another meeting but never ended up going. Honestly, I didn't need it anymore.

In showing up at that building, I proved to myself that I was ready to let go of all that bullish*t I dragged around for over 20 years. So I did. I decided that wasn't who I was anymore. It was just something that happened in my past. Since that time, a lot has changed: I believe in myself- I find myself doing things I could never have imagined before. I live in the moment. I find adventure. I seek my own happiness. I no longer play the victim. I don't use the past as an excuse. I'm independent. I feel strong and confident. Yes, I still have an occasional nightmare. I do still panic sometimes. But I can deal with it. I know the bad times are fleeting because I am not my story, I am just me.


I'm sharing this story to prove to you that it is possible to heal. Its possible to let your past be separate from who you are. You are NOT your stories. You are NOT a victim. Your actions, happiness, and health are your OWN responsibility. Don't use your past as an excuse to continue to be unhappy. I know its incredibly difficult. Many of us become addicts of pain and suffering. If we let our stories go, then who are we? Its scary. We think that, yes, holding on is painful but at least then we know who we are. Let me tell you, as long as you hold onto your suffering- you have no idea who you are. You don't know how beautiful and strong you can be.

This process is difficult and time consuming, letting go isn't easy. Letting go does not mean avoiding your pain. It doesn't mean that every time you enter suffering you go out with your friends or go sky diving or do a handstand to avoid it. It means finding deep acceptance in what is triggering your pain. It means knowing that what happened will never disappear- your past absolutely will not change and short of amnesia, you have a slim chance of forgetting it happened. Once you accept that, you need to decide that it can no longer control you. It can no longer be a crutch, an excuse, or who you are. Moving on means finding who you actually are beyond a victim, or at least trying to-- find what makes you happy, what doesn't, let go of people or places or items that aren't part of your path to happiness. You will face suffering again, it has a funny way of creeping up- but you can control it. Face your suffering and decide not to indulge it. It has no power over you. Then move the f--- on with what you were doing before it crept up on you.

If you are going through a hard time and need somebody to talk to- I'm available, whether or not we know each other personally. I can't guarantee that I can give advice, but sometimes just sharing your story to somebody who is willing to listen is enough to ease some pain. My personal e-mail address is hollyking1228@gmail.com

On Treating Others How You Want to be Treated (& expecting them to do the same)

Growing up the way that I did, I was cursed with kindness. I had three main factors working against me:

1. I grew up in the midwest. I am always going to wait an awkwardly long time at a door to hold it open for the next person who is perfectly capable of doing it on their own. I will stand up on public transportation to let a senior citizen or mom with children sit down, despite the young men around me who continue to sit and "not see them", I will thank you for something tiny until it is uncomfortable for you, and I will never take the last ANYTHING without offering it to you first.

2. I was raised Catholic. No matter how "modern" your parish is, there is still some layer of guilt that comes with Catholicism. I remember going into confession and admitting that I stepped on my brothers toe on purpose and "talked back" to my mom. In addition to 10 Hail Marys and 3 Our Fathers, I'd have to do three kind acts for my brother, wash dishes, fold laundry, and set the table for a week. It was obvious that if I didn't learn to be kind all the time, I'd end up doing all the chores in my house. Our priests would encourage us for lent to "be kinder" and "smile at strangers" rather than give up chocolate or TV.

3. I was a Girl Scout. "On my honor, I will try to serve God and my country, to help people at all times, and to live by the Girl Scout law."

Because of this, I've grown up to be the type of person who really thinks before they speak to anybody, sure to deliver news kindly and respond politely. I listen to people tell the same story or piece of advice I've heard 6 times because saying "I know" is rude. I apologize to furniture after bumping into it. When I first met my mother-in-law, I actually made her uncomfortable with how many times I thanked her for things like ice cream (she'll never admit it, she's very polite herself- but I could tell/Simon told me to knock it off). I think most people in my upbringing would admit the same- I certainly see these characteristics in most people who grew up in Illinois / Minnesota / Iowa / Wisconsin / etc. All of the friends I grew up with went into careers that serve- nursing, counseling, teaching, hospitality, etc. We can't help ourselves- its in our blood.

This isn't to say that I'm perfect and have never been mean or rude- far from it. But those instances have been intentional (which is, actually, worse). I've been jealous, hurt, scared, angry, a teenager- all of the things that send us into a bad place and make us want to treat people poorly.

The point is, I put a lot of thought into my interactions with other people- its part of the way I was raised. The problem is, I chose not to spend my entire life in the midwest. Since graduating from college, I've travelled around Europe, moved to Australia, moved to Connecticut, and met people from around the world. Even if I had stayed, I would have encountered people who were either immune to the way they were raised or were imports from other parts of the country/world.

When I was 16 years old, I had a foreign exchange student come stay with me from Germany, she was a great person and I could have learned a lot from her. Unfortunately, I thought she was rude and I closed my mind (typical teenager). My German teacher, German family members, and others in general tried to tell me that they have different customs and standards of politeness in different parts of the world. Just because she didn't thank me three times for taking her to the movies, didn't mean she wasn't grateful. It just wasn't the way she was brought up. Looking back, I'm positive she was grateful. She brought me gifts from Germany, came to work with me and helped out even though she wasn't getting paid, and was interested in spending time with my boyfriend and friends. Her customs were just so foreign (literally) to me that I couldn't get past it and take her for who she is. Fast forward 8 years and I live in Fairfield County, Connecticut. I've met some great people here, but again, customs are different here on the East coast and in a totally different socioeconomic climate than I was raised in. Its taken a lot of adjusting and I still get caught off guard sometimes wondering why some people aren't nicer.

I can be sensitive and tender and wear my heart on my sleeve. I put a lot of thought into the way I treat people, and I expect the same out of them. That is my mistake. This simply is not something that should be an expectation. Most people DON'T think about the way their actions/tone/words will make you feel. When they are "rude", its not conscious. When they don't hold the door for you, offer you the last cookie, or speak in a kind tone- it has nothing to do with you. Its not because they are selfish or rude or dislike you- in general, people just don't think much about other people. This can leave people like me feeling bruised. We have to take a step back and remind ourselves that it has NOTHING to do with us.

I'm sure that my sensitivity and good-heartedness has made other people see me as weak. I'm okay with that. I hope I never lose the part of me that cares about how I make other people feel even if that means I expect the same of others and sometimes feel hurt because of it. As long as I can remind myself that their actions have nothing to do with me. It takes bravery to continue to interact with people who are totally different from you. It takes courage to continue a relationship after that person has made you feel hurt. And it is absolutely daring to ask somebody "Have I done something to hurt our relationship?" or "Is there a reason you're treating me unkindly?" It's okay to have a big heart, to be open about your feelings, and to continue to do what you feel is right despite your surroundings. If you are a sensitive person, I hope you continue to be. Sensitivity is not weakness, sensitivity is being receptive to the actions of others. The key is to remember that 90% of the time, other peoples' actions have nothing to do with you, so brush yourself off and move on.

"Be soft. Do not let the world make you hard. Do not let pain make you hate. Do not let bitterness steal your sweetness. Take pride in that even though the rest of the world may disagree, you still believe it to be a beautiful place." -Kurt Vonnegut

Chocolate Caramel Cookie Bars

Chocolate is literally an addictive food. When you eat chocolate, serotonin is released in your brain putting you in a better mood. Its the most craved food amongst women and pretty high up there for men too. Do you notice that you crave chocolate more when the weather is awful and you've been stuck inside? Or when you're PMSing? Or just plain sad? Your body knows that chocolate will release serotonin. Plus it's delicious. So there you go. Who doesn't want to be happier? Chocolate is great. But most of the chocolate bars you find in stores contain tons of sugar, lots of fat, and are piled high with garbage ingredients. Not so good. This will give you a sugar high, then leave you tired. You'll gain weight. You'll fill your body with chemicals. Luckily- there is an easy alternative: cocao. Cocao is still high in calories (bit not sugar) and should be eaten in moderation, but its a whole lot better than a Hershey bar.

Cocao is high in fiber which is great for your digestive regulation. Polyphenols aid in cardiovascular health, serving as antioxidants and keeping the arteries leading to your heart and brain healthy. It can also lower your LDL or "bad cholesterol". The polyphenols and fiber mixed together can regulate blood pressure and glucose levels. Flavonoids can interfere with the development of cancer and improve conditions in those already suffering from cancer. Those are all great reasons to add some cocao to your diet.

My latest way to use cocao:

Chocolate Caramel Cookie Bars

(Raw, vegan, gluten free)

Cookie Layer:
1 cup raw Cashews
1/4 cup raw Honey
sprinkling of Salt (to taste)

Pour all ingredients into food processor and mix until fairly smooth (it will still be a little coarse). Spread in the bottom of a greased 9x9 baking dish- I suggest greasing your fingers, it will be sticky. Place in the refrigerator while you prep the next layer.

Caramel Layer:
4 tablespoons Peanut butter
1 cup pitted Dates
4 tablespoons water

Pour all ingredients into food processor and mix until thick and smooth. Spread over cookie layer- I suggest greasing your fingers, it will be sticky. Place in the refrigerator while you prep the next layer.

Chocolate Layer:
3 tablespoons Coconut Oil (melted and cooled)
3 tablespoons raw Honey
4 tablespoons Cocao Powder
2 tablespoons water

Stir until combined. Pour over caramel layer. Place in the refrigerator for a minimum of 30 minutes.

Enjoy! This is really yummy and pretty good for you. Depending on the peanut butter you use, it will unprocessed, low in sodium, and all healthy sugars and fats. Plus its packed with nutrients and protein.

*Keep refrigerated.