Three years in, I'm just breaking into my yoga practice. Everyday I learn something new about my body, whether its where I feel a stretch when I shift my hips a certain way in trikonasana, where I need to distribute my weight to hold pincha mayurasana a bit longer with ease, or the emotion that rises in eka pada rajakapotasana. Not only am I learning, but finding changes from day-to-day, based on continued practice, what I eat, how I sleep, where my emotions are, or after taking a few days off. I hope I never lose that sense of feeling like a beginner in my practice. Always seeking something new, more body awareness, more soul awareness. When you lose that, all you have left are pretty ways to position your body, and I didn't enter yoga to become a circus performer.
I began practicing yoga regularly shortly after moving Sydney in 2010. When I arrived, the only person I knew was my fiancé (his close friends and family all at least 2 hours away), I had a great deal of time before my teaching certificate cleared, and the whole world was new to me. Bell peppers were called capsicum, people went to the bank without wearing shoes, and my midwest American accent left everyone calling me "Halley". I was living in quite possibly the most beautiful place in the world, but I was a bit lonely and bewildered. One afternoon, without knowing how it would make me feel, I took a yoga class. Like you'll hear most yoga teachers say, I was instantly hooked. What you won't hear most yoga teachers say, is that the class I took was a Bikram yoga class.
Bikram yoga consists of 26 poses and 2 berating exercises completed in a room heated to 105 degrees. Every class is exactly the same and the class last 1.5 hours. A lot of "real yogis", or so they call themselves, look down on Bikram yoga. They will say it isn't as beneficial for the body, the heat gives false flexibility, its the same poses every time- why those 26 postures?, its too strenuous, there's no spirituality, what have you. Well, okay- everyone is entitled to their opinion, and I will tell you this- Bikram yoga isn't for everyone. However, they are packing students into those studios for a reason. When I began yoga, I wasn't ready to be in a quiet room with my thoughts peacefully carrying out my asana practice. Bikram yoga gave me a chance to clear out the Chitta Vritti, the "monkey mind" without leaving too much space to fill it up with negative/scary/dark thoughts. In a Bikram yoga class, you have to be so focused and determined, there isn't time to think about your to do list, but there also isn't a lot of time for intentional meditation. Its sort of a middle ground for me.
After two years of Bikram yoga on two different continents, I moved onto vinyasa yoga, which is mainly what I practice now. My practice is still strenuous on most days, but varies a lot more. I do not practice in a hot room, but my body creates enough heat to sweat. I won't get too far into hot vs. not hot yoga in this blog, maybe in a later post. In my current practice, I move a bit slower, I follow my breath, I let my body guide my movement and leave my mind free for moving meditation. I wasn't ready for that when I began yoga. I'm not perfect, I'm nowhere near enlightenment, but I am in a place where I am comfortable with a still mind.
So, where has yoga gotten me? Sure, its made my body stronger, leaner, more flexible. More importantly, its done the same for my mind. I used to fear meditation, not knowing what would come up when my mind was clear. We all have darkness in our past, I am no different. When your mind is still, you are more vulnerable to those things coming up. I'm okay with that now. I can accept those thoughts, feel the emotions that comes with them, and let them go- no harm done. I'm more confident in who I am today, more in tune that what is happening right now, not stuck in who I used to be or former life situations. Just like when I began practicing, I live in a city where I don't know many people, but I'm not bewildered or lonely. I am fine being me, going out and doing things on my own and making decisions on how I want to live my life regardless of criticism. So where has yoga gotten me? Its gotten me here and now. Its gotten me to be my best possible me and the person I am supposed to be today. I'm happy with who that person is.
Book I, Sutra 2. Yogas citta vrtti nirodhah
"The restraint of the modifications of the mind-stuff is yoga"
Namaste.
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